Thinking Too Much

I have a problem I think may have to do with my head injury, but it may not, and it manifests itself when I travel to visit my grown children. They live in Idaho, and I visit as often as I can, but I always come away sad. I am sad because:

1. I will not see them anytime soon
2. I know I have forgotten to say the important things I wanted to say face to face

I am afraid they're saying THANK GAWD they're gone! The only reason that makes any sense, is number 1.

Those who have suffered a severe TBI, like I did in 1991, are said to have low self esteem, and suffer more from depression. I am not the exception. There is no perfect visit between 2nd grown children, their mother, and a fairly new step-dad. But, I have to strive for it, so I end up trying too hard. My brain is on overload.

My new husband is not so new anymore, and as many times as my kids hug him, or say they like him, it is an awkward situation we all pretend is not difficult. He's not their dad, and don't know their oddities; what makes each kid tick. He's learning, but it's a process that likely will never end, as we live in different states

The kids want me to choose activities and restaurants, because, as they say, We live here! We can do that, or go there anytime! But I just want everyone to be happy, and want them to decide. I guess if they picked a place and were unhappy it would be their fault, then, and I'd be off the hook.

I also suffer from an enormous amount of guilt. I feel guilty for:

1. being the cause of my TBI
2. acting odd because of my TBI
3. leaving my grown kids in Boise to return to Kalispell

None of the reason I have for feeling guilty are valid, I know this. But, I cannot stop myself, so I write about my feelings, to better talk myself through unpleasant thoughts.

Oh, I almost forgot. I also feel responsible for my mother's happiness (She is frail and lives across the street, and has just returned from visiting siblings in Oregon.) So, I have issues, but isn't it super that I realize they're there? I think so, and, I am going to try my best to remain as happy and stress free as I felt when she was away; to care for myself as well as her.

My best is all I can do.